The Sin of Self-Pity...

I have rediscovered My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. More often than not, this little devotional book has something specific to say to me. There was a particular thought that stood out to me in today's reading:

"What does it matter if external circumstances are hard? Why should they not be! If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we banish God's riches from our own lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it bliterates God and puts self-interest upon the throne. It opens our mouths to spit out mumurings and our lives become craving spiritual sponges, there is nothing lovely or generous about them."

I have found this to be true in my life recently. I am so worried about everything going on around me that I have forgotten that the life I have chosen is one of self-denial. I don't say that with pride, that's just how I believe life is to be lived. Unfortunately, I have a tendency to allow what's going on in other peoples' lives, situations at church, my past, etc. to get in the way of pouring my energies out for other people. There are little windows in the day where I realize how destructive this is. I get to a point where I am checking and re-checking my e-mails hoping that a message from someone will be the piece of information I need to turn things around. "Maybe I'll read something profound, maybe I'll get a call, maybe someone will stop by my office" and on and on. I guess John Mayer would say I'm waiting on the world to change. The truth is that I have been given the tools to initiate change in the world. I can't realize this if I'm always worried about my petty problems.

I've got to find my way out of this "feeling sorry for myself" rut. It's paralyzing. I'm not being the man I should be. I'm not loving people like I should. I am self-absorbed and whiny and am absolutely disgusted with what I see in myself.

If I take a hard look at my life, there is absolutely nothing to feel sorry for. There is nothing to complain about. There is nothing that should absorb my energies for other people. Plus, there's a lot that needs to be done around me and a lot of responsibilty rests on my shoulders to help get the work done.

Maybe I should be a painter...

My girlfriend, Andraea Christner, opened her own business back in January - Sophia's Bridal, Tux, and Prom. I helped in the construction process of the store. Actually, all I did was help paint and put some flooring down. But, I really enjoyed it.

I am a worship leader at Mount Pleasant Christian Church in Greenwood, IN. "I believe that the church is the most powerful organism for change in the world," someone once said. I agree with that statement. My "job" can be very frustrating sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I feel very privileged, honored, and blessed to do what I do. But, there are so many times when I don't see tangible results in my line of work; no fruits of my labor. People always come back with, "well, just know that you're storing up treasures in heaven." True, but sometimes that answer doesn't satisfy.

However, today was a different day. I have been teaching guitar to Cody Johnson. He's twelve, plays soccer, wears Pumas, and is really, really quiet. We have had two one-hour sessions and he already knows 4 chords (G, C, Em, and D for you guitar players). Since Cody is so quiet, I have wondered what he's thinking. I wonder if he's really getting anything out of the lessons.

His mom, Lori, caught me this morning on her way to aerobics up here at the church. She told me that he was "so excited" when he got home from guitar lessons last night. His brother and sister "were in awe" and this guitar thing "is his glory". She said that he was thinking about playing a worship song that I taught him at the school talent show in three weeks. One of the greatest parts about the story is that he's light years ahead of where I was in my development as far as guitar goes. What a cool kid!!

I envy painters and construction workers sometimes. They begin a project from nothing and by the end of the project, they can see the results of the work of their hands. Then, they move on and start all over again. Some projects are probably really simple and some are challenging.

After my girlfriend's shop (Sophia's) was completely painted, I thought about being a painter for about a week. I mean, I really contemplated a career change. But, I know that's not what I'm supposed to be doing. My job doesn't always have visible results, but when the Cody Johnsons of the world appear on the scene, God nudges me on with just the right amount of encouragement.

Getting Better...

I keep thinking that life is going to get better. I always assumed that as you get older, you learn from your mistakes, you settle down, you make more money, you find the one you love, you get smarter, etc. I guess the other side to getting older is that you're closer to dying. Let's be honest. Your body gets tired faster, your mind has more to deal with and if you don't keep yourself in check, you could get really cynical.

Maybe I just need to redefine what "getting better" looks like. I have so many memories that I wish I could dispose of or replace. I have so many aches and pains that I don't remember having even 2 or 3 years ago. I am waking up to the way that systems operate in this world and I don't like what I see. I hear that people are relatively "good", but I see very little commitment or movement toward something bigger than any one individual. I am just as guilty as everyone else I judge. Everyone's so busy and getting busier. Most people are looking for their own comfort and stability.

Tragedies seem less cutting than they were when I was younger. Are there just more of them or is this what happens as you get older? My favorite sports teams don't excite me like they used to. Are the athletes less like teams and more like individuals and therefore lending themselves to be less likeable? Music sticks with me for less time than I remember. Is the quality of music down or have I just heard too much of it?

I know, I'm too young to be this cynical.

One of my greatest friends in the world is 69 years old and has told me over and over that "you're as young as you choose to feel". This is a coping mechanism, albeit a very effective one for many, many people. I'm sure you've heard a different version of the same thought process. So, is this the key to getting better? Do we continue to fool ourselves and circumvent those things that are in the deep and dark recesses of our minds so that we can cope with the junk that life constantly deals out? Do we compare ourselves to those suffering around the world so that we can say that we have nothing to complain about? "At least life isn't like that." Are our circumstances any less real that theirs?

I'm just frustrated because I had so many expectations about life and how it was going to play out. Maybe that's the key. No expectations. One day at a time, moment by moment...Maybe I draw on the strength of the good times - you know the laugh 'till you cry, fresh smell of grass for the first time in the season, the changing of the leaves in the fall, the crystal clear nights even in the big city, the goose bumps that come from reading something probing and profound, the emotions that swell from a really good musical composition, truly resting on a vacation, an unexpected act of kindness...

There's much to be thankful for. There's much to be cynical about. Maybe the getting better is found in focusing on the first one.